Purpose of this website

I grew up in the LDS Church, and I come from several generations of Mormons. I came to a point in my life where I realized that what I had been taught about the church was false. The Book of Mormon was not a historically accurate document. Joseph Smith was not a prophet of God, and neither were any of the subsequent presidents.

The effect was absolute and total devastation. 

I officially resigned my membership in the church March 2003, although I had really left around 1996-1997. Officially, I was a member for 29 years. As I have continued my journey away, I have realized that I haven't fully come to terms with that decision, and all of the implications--what do I believe? What is morality, and how do I define it? Is all religion wrong?

Ultimately, this website is self-therapy. I'm still trying to figure it all out, and I feel it's best to write everything down, in a journal of sorts. That way, I can be perfectly honest in my analysis of my experiences, and how it continues to shape me today.

Yeah, my reasons for this site are selfish. If you've found this site and it offers you help, hope, different perspectives, or empathy, then all the better. Maybe you will realize that you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Maybe you will discover that there is life after Mormonism-a life that can be happy and fulfilling.

I am not trained in web design, nor am I a professional writer. I've tried to keep this site as simple as possible, but there still may be errors in spelling, grammar or format. Feel free to bring any to my attention so I may correct it. 

The Church is True! You're just a bitter anti-Mormon!

Well, maybe the church is true. Maybe it isn't. I don't pretend to know everything, nor do I have all the answers. I wish I was wrong. I hope I am wrong. However, the evidence as I see it leads to the conclusion that there is no way the church could possibly be correct.

Of course, there are a lot of things in the Mormon church that are good, and probably true. The church does have some excellent qualities to it. And in my post-Mormon life, I have tried to keep the good parts of the church while discarding the bad. And there is an abundance of problems with the church.

As far as being anti-Mormon, I suppose it is insofar as this site is not pro-Mormon. I'm not trying to break anyone's testimony, or destroy their faith, or induce a crisis of conscience. I do understand that may be a byproduct of the content here. But again, the true purpose of this site is selfish on my part.

Religion is complex. I no longer believe that any one creed or faith has the absolute truth. What is true to one person may not be true to another, and as religion cannot be scientifically proven, it is left to faith and belief. However, religious beliefs are more a product of where you happen to be born, rather than any truth that may or may not be behind it. In short, I believe that God was created in man's image, not the other way around. If you disagree with me, that's fine. It's entirely possible that we're both wrong. So, if you're a member of the church, you believe it's true, stay on that path. Staying in the church is the much easier path to follow. Everything is spelled out for you, and life is very black and white. Right and wrong. True or false. Pro-Mormon or anti-Mormon.

That works for many people, but not for me. Life is not black and white. Life is lived in the grey areas. And there is no room for gray areas in the church.

Disclaimer: Ultimately, while others who have left the church may have had similar experiences, this site is my story and whatever might be on my mind at any given time regarding the church. They are my experiences and thoughts only, and should not be considered definitive regarding the church, its teachings, or anyone's experiences within or outside of the church. I am no longer a member of the church, and do not speak on their behalf. 

You can leave the church, but you can't leave it alone!

Yes, that's correct. As much as I would like to leave the church alone, it is unable to leave me alone. I still live in Utah, which means that the church still has an incredibly strong impact on my life. Further, I am (and always will be) part of the Mormon church, as that is my heritage. My ancestors, going back to the early days of the church, are a part of me and my identity. I can never erase that, nor do I want to. It is an integral part of my identity, which I value.

It is a common belief in the church that if someone leaves, they were offended, or they wanted to sin, or they were lazy, or didn't want to pay tithing.  The idea that someone left the church because it isn't true never enters their minds...or at least, it didn't for me. That was simply a foreign concept, so it had to be any number of other reasons. I don't know if that sentiment is still common today, but I suspect it is. Let me be clear on this point: I was not offended by anyone. I did not want to sin. I was not lazy. I paid tithing. I, and so very many others, left because THE CHURCH IS NOT TRUE. It was not a decision I made lightly, nor was it spur-of-the-moment. I spent decades stuck in the cogs of the church, trying to make it work, trying to figure it all out, trying to find the truth. I desperately wanted it to be true. I wanted my parents, my bishops, my stake presidents, my seminary teachers, and the church leadership to show me the correct path, and not lead me astray. But that's exactly what happened. I reached a point in my life where I realized: Everything you know to be true MIGHT BE WRONG. I had to accept that, rebuild my life, and start over. I had to question absolutely every aspect of my life, and determine for myself how to proceed. The process was, and still is, painful. But I accepted the fact that I needed to find the truth and follow it wherever it may take me, even though my very eternal salvation could be lost in the process. I understand that my salvation may still be at risk, but I am very confident in my position and my conclusions, that I'm willing to stake forever on it.